Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games weird, awful, watchable - KCBD NewsChannel 11 Lubbock

Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games too weird and awful not to watch

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations) Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations)
Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics) Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics)
  • AlabamaMore>>

  • Former 5-star QB Barnett transfers to USF after 'Bama, ASU

    Former 5-star QB Barnett transfers to USF after 'Bama, ASU

    Friday, May 18 2018 2:11 PM EDT2018-05-18 18:11:51 GMT
    Blake Barnett (Source: University of Alabama Athletics)Blake Barnett (Source: University of Alabama Athletics)

    Former Alabama and Arizona State quarterback Blake Barnett, once a five-star recruit, has transferred to South Florida, where he'll be immediately eligible to play with two seasons remaining.

    Former Alabama and Arizona State quarterback Blake Barnett, once a five-star recruit, has transferred to South Florida, where he'll be immediately eligible to play with two seasons remaining.

  • Alabama, Texas announce home-and-home series

    Alabama, Texas announce home-and-home series

    Wednesday, May 16 2018 4:40 PM EDT2018-05-16 20:40:24 GMT
    Source: WBRC graphicsSource: WBRC graphics

    The University of Alabama and The University of Texas have announced a home-and-home series between the Crimson Tide and Longhorns. The Tide will travel to Austin in 2022 and the Longhorns will come to Tuscaloosa in 2023.

    The University of Alabama and The University of Texas have announced a home-and-home series between the Crimson Tide and Longhorns. The Tide will travel to Austin in 2022 and the Longhorns will come to Tuscaloosa in 2023.

  • Alabama-Louisville to kickoff ABC's Saturday Night Football

    Alabama-Louisville to kickoff ABC's Saturday Night Football

    Wednesday, May 16 2018 12:19 PM EDT2018-05-16 16:19:13 GMT

    National champion Alabama will face Louisville in ABC's first Saturday Night Football game, and Miami plays LSU on Sunday night of the season-opening weekend.

    National champion Alabama will face Louisville in ABC's first Saturday Night Football game, and Miami plays LSU on Sunday night of the season-opening weekend.

  • LSUMore>>

  • LSU football enjoys team outing at original T.J. Ribs restaurant

    LSU football enjoys team outing at original T.J. Ribs restaurant

    Tuesday, August 11 2015 9:37 PM EDT2015-08-12 01:37:12 GMT
    Tuesday, August 11 2015 10:06 PM EDT2015-08-12 02:06:19 GMT
    The LSU football team took a break from the sweaty grind of fall camp Tuesday night to enjoy some team bonding and great food.
    The LSU football team took a break from the sweaty grind of fall camp Tuesday night to enjoy some team bonding and great food.
  • LSU football wants return to 2011 defense

    LSU football wants return to 2011 defense

    Thursday, August 6 2015 3:15 PM EDT2015-08-06 19:15:51 GMT
    Thursday, August 6 2015 3:36 PM EDT2015-08-06 19:36:51 GMT
    LSU may have ranked No. 1 in the SEC defensively last season, but many fans and analysts agree that wasn’t an accurate reflection of how the team actually played. 
    LSU may have ranked No. 1 in the SEC defensively last season, but many fans and analysts agree that wasn’t an accurate reflection of how the team actually played. 
  • LSU football reports for fall camp, Miles says Bain was never reinstated

    LSU football reports for fall camp, Miles says Bain was never reinstated

    Wednesday, August 5 2015 12:06 PM EDT2015-08-05 16:06:42 GMT
    Wednesday, August 5 2015 4:52 PM EDT2015-08-05 20:52:04 GMT
    On a steamy and sweltering morning in south Louisiana, the LSU football team officially reported for the start of fall camp. The Tigers checking into the West Campus Apartments Wednesday morning, with their first practice set for Thursday. 
    On a steamy and sweltering morning in south Louisiana, the LSU football team officially reported for the start of fall camp. The Tigers checking into the West Campus Apartments Wednesday morning, with their first practice set for Thursday. 
  • Texas A&MMore>>

  • Game winning shot rattles out, Ole Miss falls at Texas A&M

    Game winning shot rattles out, Ole Miss falls at Texas A&M

    Tuesday, January 16 2018 11:44 PM EST2018-01-17 04:44:02 GMT
    Source: SEC NetworkSource: SEC Network

    Tyler Davis scored 20 points, including Texas A&M's final basket, and the Aggies defeated Mississippi 71-69 on Tuesday night for A&M's first victory in Southeastern Conference play this season. The Rebels' Breein Tyree missed a 3-point attempt at the other end that rattled in and out as time expired.

    Tyler Davis scored 20 points, including Texas A&M's final basket, and the Aggies defeated Mississippi 71-69 on Tuesday night for A&M's first victory in Southeastern Conference play this season. The Rebels' Breein Tyree missed a 3-point attempt at the other end that rattled in and out as time expired.

  • South CarolinaMore>>

  • Silva to return to Gamecocks for senior year

    Monday, May 21 2018 5:04 PM EDT2018-05-21 21:04:22 GMT
    South Carolina's Chris Silva stretches out for a rebound against Georgia during first-half action in Columbia, S.C. on Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2018. (Travis Bell/SIDELINE CAROLINA)South Carolina's Chris Silva stretches out for a rebound against Georgia during first-half action in Columbia, S.C. on Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2018. (Travis Bell/SIDELINE CAROLINA)

    After taking some time to visit some NBA teams and facilities, Chris Silva will play his senior season with the Garnet and Black. 

    After taking some time to visit some NBA teams and facilities, Chris Silva will play his senior season with the Garnet and Black. 

  • Gamecocks enter the postseason red hot, take series from Aggies

    Gamecocks enter the postseason red hot, take series from Aggies

    Sunday, May 20 2018 10:40 PM EDT2018-05-21 02:40:23 GMT
    (Source: Katie Dugan, 247Sports)(Source: Katie Dugan, 247Sports)

    South Carolina put an exclamation point on the regular season with a 10-1 victory and series win over Texas A&M. After dropping four of the first five conference series, the Gamecocks (32-22, 17-13) won five straight SEC series for the first time since 2012, which produced a streak of six straight.

    South Carolina put an exclamation point on the regular season with a 10-1 victory and series win over Texas A&M. After dropping four of the first five conference series, the Gamecocks (32-22, 17-13) won five straight SEC series for the first time since 2012, which produced a streak of six straight.

  • ON TO THE SUPER REGIONAL: Gamecocks hammer Liberty in third game, 5-0, to advance in tournament

    ON TO THE SUPER REGIONAL: Gamecocks hammer Liberty in third game, 5-0, to advance in tournament

    Sunday, May 20 2018 8:59 PM EDT2018-05-21 00:59:46 GMT
    The Gamecocks celebrate after defeating the Liberty twice in the same day advancing to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA softball tournament on May 20. (Source: ESPN 3)The Gamecocks celebrate after defeating the Liberty twice in the same day advancing to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA softball tournament on May 20. (Source: ESPN 3)
    The Gamecocks celebrate after defeating the Liberty twice in the same day advancing to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA softball tournament on May 20. (Source: ESPN 3)The Gamecocks celebrate after defeating the Liberty twice in the same day advancing to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA softball tournament on May 20. (Source: ESPN 3)

    With a 5-0 victory over Liberty, the University of South Carolina softball team will advance to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA Tournament, facing off against the winner between The University of Mississippi and No. 8-ranked Arizona State University.

    With a 5-0 victory over Liberty, the University of South Carolina softball team will advance to the Super Regional of the 2018 NCAA Tournament, facing off against the winner between The University of Mississippi and No. 8-ranked Arizona State University.

Last week was a gore fest. What promised to be an average day of SEC ball turned into an orgy of delight in the misery of others.

Georgia, South Carolina, LSU, Texas A&M and Florida started the day favored and excited about the future, but their dreams turned to ashes before the bars closed.

It was like watching five different volcanoes erupt and destroy five different villages: grass huts bursting into flame, screaming villagers fleeing scalding ash and lava, livestock hurling themselves into lakes.

It was great.

So now it's Week 9, and nobody's happy except Alabama, Auburn and Missouri. How much longer will that last? 

More weird things are on the horizon. Coach Potato can feel it. Halloween is just around the corner.

That's why this week, instead of predicting outcomes so that college message board trolls can launch profane tirades at us from the other side of the computer screen, we'll conclude each game summary with quotes from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Frank: So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici …… pation.

Vanderbilt at Texas A&M

12:21 a.m. ET, SEC TV

Both teams have QB issues. Vandy's Austyn Carta-Samuels is questionable and Johnny Football fell on his shoulder short of the Auburn goal in the fourth quarter, got up gimpy, then staggered back into play a few series later and was not himself. Auburn took advantage to mount a dramatic comeback against the worst defense in Christendom to all but eliminate the Aggs from the BCS picture.

Vandy is stoked after beating a dispirited, beat-up Georgia bunch last week. Even last year's golden 9-4 season didn't include a win over Georgia or a ranked opponent. Now this one does.

Vandy and A&M, two wounded teams, tearing each other to shreds: what a great way to start the morning.

Riff Raff: It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll.

Tennessee at Alabama

3: 30 p.m. ET, CBS

First-year coach Butch Jones probably doesn't really know how much his fans hate Alabama and how much Alabama fans hate his team, everything that has to do with his team and by association, him.

He will, very soon.

Alabama lost safety Vinnie Sunseri to a snapped ACL. Sunseri was an overachieving, Charlie Hustle guy that even people who hated Alabama liked.

If you are one of those people, feel free to hate with impunity.

Because after a slow start, Alabama is keeping it street and looking like the all-destroying death machine hated by all.

Defensive back Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is back after a brief suspension for borrowing a few hundred bucks from his assistant strength coach. T.J. Yeldon and Kenyan Drake are providing a crushing run game behind a steadily improving offensive line. A.J. McCarron is picking defenses apart with his typical, boring efficiency.

In contrast to the bitter cloud that has descended over most of the league, Tennessee's fans are fairly giddy after last week's win over schizophrenic South Carolina. But they're bummed when they realize they'd be the beast of the East if they'd only beaten Georgia, which was happening until that incredible, overtime fumble on the goal line.

So, is Tennessee any good or what? Could these be the guys to finally knock off Alabama and make the world rise in a chorus of celebration?

Chorus: But it's the pelvic thrust/ That really drives you insane./Let's do the time warp again.

South Carolina at Missouri

7 p.m. ET, ESPN2

South Carolina, what's the deal, guys? Couch Potato extolled you as the national title dark horse, and look what you have done to my credibility. Thanks a lot.

What was wrong with Steve Spurrier last week? When he called back-to-back time outs and then punted anyway, he had the same look on his face as my dog when I pretend to throw the stick, and she runs after it and then realizes it's still in my hand.

"What? What? Where's the stick? Where's the stick! Ahhhhhh! I can't find the stupid stick! Wait, what? You've got the stick? How can you still have the stick? You threw it! I saw you throw it! barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!"

Connor Shaw is hurt, and guess what else?

In this actual universe and not one imagined by H.P. Lovecraft, Missouri is the golden team of the SEC East, despite being located halfway to California and two hours closer to Minneapolis than Atlanta.

And they're led by this guy, redshirt freshman replacement QB Maty Mauk, who allowed himself to be forever typecast with this NSFW collection of ill-considered photos.

Couch Potato doesn't want to watch this game. But he will. A victim to the same compulsion that made him tap the brakes and gawk in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-95 north of West Palm Beach that time when the pickup truck loaded to the axles with stolen outboard motors overturned in the median and random people were screeching to a halt, grabbing them and muscling them into the beds of Rancheros and the backseats of Chrysler convertibles then speeding off.

It was just too weird and awful not to look at.

The Criminologist: And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space... and meaning.

The others: Furman at LSU, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods to atone for last week's hideous loss; Florida Atlantic at national championship contender Auburn; Idaho at Ole Miss, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods in thanks for last week's unlikely win.

Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • SEC FootballSEC CoverageMore>>

  • LSU football legend Billy Cannon passes away; visitation and funeral arrangements set

    LSU football legend Billy Cannon passes away; visitation and funeral arrangements set

    Tuesday, May 22 2018 6:14 PM EDT2018-05-22 22:14:17 GMT
    Billy Cannon at the LSU Spring Game on April 21, 2018 (Source: WAFB)Billy Cannon at the LSU Spring Game on April 21, 2018 (Source: WAFB)

    LSU football legend Billy Cannon died Sunday morning. He was 80 years old.

    LSU football legend Billy Cannon died Sunday morning. He was 80 years old.

  • Ohio State QB Joe Burrow announces transfer to LSU

    Ohio State QB Joe Burrow announces transfer to LSU

    Friday, May 18 2018 5:19 PM EDT2018-05-18 21:19:01 GMT
    Ohio State QB Joe Burrow (10) calls out signals during a game against Rutgers Scarlet Knights on Sept. 30, 2017 (Source: Hunter Martin/Getty Images)Ohio State QB Joe Burrow (10) calls out signals during a game against Rutgers Scarlet Knights on Sept. 30, 2017 (Source: Hunter Martin/Getty Images)

    Ed Orgeron has his quarterback. LSU will add Ohio State transfer Joe Burrow to the roster as a graduate transfer according to a report.

    Ed Orgeron has his quarterback. LSU will add Ohio State transfer Joe Burrow to the roster as a graduate transfer according to a report.

  • Hundreds pack Birmingham temple to celebrate Mike Slive's life

    Hundreds pack Birmingham temple to celebrate Mike Slive's life

    Friday, May 18 2018 4:26 PM EDT2018-05-18 20:26:59 GMT
    (Source: WBRC Video)(Source: WBRC Video)
    (Source: WBRC Video)(Source: WBRC Video)

    The overwhelming message on Friday morning? Former SEC commissioner Mike Slive was tough man who just so happened to be one of the nicest people you’d ever meet.

    The overwhelming message on Friday morning? Former SEC commissioner Mike Slive was tough man who just so happened to be one of the nicest people you’d ever meet.

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